SIDS and grief
Parents' immediate reactions to their baby's death may be shock, denial, disbelief, or a sense of numbness or unreality. These are completely normal, and cushion the impact of the loss until the parents are ready to face the devastating reality of the baby's death.
Grief is not simple sadness, nor is it expressed only by crying. Each parent, and other family members, will feel many strong emotions in the following days, weeks and months. It is not unusual for parents to feel some of these emotions, from time to time, for years to come.
Grief is not something which can be measured. It is very unlikely that any one person will feel exactly the same range of emotional responses as anybody else. Even the baby's parents are not likely to experience the same feelings at the same time. This can make sharing one's feelings especially hard, and lead to a sense of great isolation, causing even more difficulties for each grieving person.
It is most important to recognise that grief must be allowed to be expressed. It is also important for the grieving person, and those around her or him, to understand that expressing feelings, even those which seem strange or shocking, is normal and healthy behaviour.
Some of the most usual emotions initially felt include guilt, anger, fear, blame and despair. Prolonged feelings of guilt can be destructive. Because the causes of SIDS are unknown, parents will often seek their own explanations for the tragedy and may blame themselves. It is important that parents are reassured that SIDS is nobody's fault.
Some people will need to talk, to go over and over the events, others may withdraw into themselves and seem unreachable. Loss of concentration, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, even symptoms of physical illness can be experienced.
Parents find there are things or events that can trigger painful memories. Anniversaries, birthdays, family celebrations, a photo, a baby of the same age are some of them. It is important to know and realise that these are normal reactions, and that other grieving parents share this sensitivity.
Although grief is a normal process, and not an illness, often it is helpful for those who are grieving to share what they are feeling with someone outside the family. Doctors, social workers and other counsellors, nurses and ministers of religion can all be sympathetic.
Many parents and grandparents find it comforting and helpful to talk with another who has shared the experience of losing a baby. They usually find that this also diminishes their sense of isolation.
Single parents sometimes face extra difficulties after the death of their baby. If they are already poorly supported and have no regular partner with whom to share their grief, they are particularly vulnerable and might experience an overwhelming sense of isolation, loneliness and despair. Again, they can find it helpful to talk to someone about their feelings.
Last Reviewed: 02 May 2002
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